Table of contents

Foreword   8
Introduction   12

SECTION ONE: The Initial Investigation
Chapter 1: Some preliminaries   18
“How could you have had so-called muscle dysmorphia and orthorexia for 40 years before you realized it?”   19
Some important terminology   20
What’s good therapy, and how did it help me?   20

Chapter 2: A brief autobiography   22

Chapter 3: Recognition signs from earlier   28
Self-shame   29
Myth busting   30
Striving for the unattainable   30

Chapter 4: “Muscle dysmorphia”   32
My epiphany   33
What is so-called muscle dysmorphia?   33
Bigorexia: Bodybuilding and Muscle Dysmorphia   34
The Muscular Ideal: Psychological, Social, and Medical Perspectives   35

When does bodybuilding dedication become “muscle dysmorphia”?   37
Proposed triggers of “muscle dysmorphia”   38
“Muscle dysmorphia” and the bodybuilding industry   38
Performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs) in bodybuilding   39
An illustration of how physical shame is exacerbated   39
An illustration of the destructive effects of bodybuilding drugs   41

Chapter 5: “Orthorexia”   42
What is so-called orthorexia?   43
My own “orthorexia”   45

Chapter 6: Other characteristics that affect me   50
Obsessiveness in general   51
Self-control   51
So-called perfectionism   52
So-called workaholism   54
Taking on challenges   54
Clarification   55
The voice in my head   56

Chapter 7: A “personality disorder”   58
The combined effects of my “symptoms” of three “mental disorders”   61
Endless dissatisfaction   62
My “medication”   62
Suicidal thoughts   63

Chapter 8: My marriage   64

Chapter 9: An introduction to therapy   68
Therapy for “muscle dysmorphia”   69
Therapy for “orthorexia”   70
Therapy for “obsessive-compulsive personality disorder”   72
How I selected my therapist   73

SECTION TWO: Therapy and Healing
Chapter 10: The diary of my personal therapy, Part One   74

Chapter 11: Shame   116

Chapter 12: The diary of my personal therapy, Part Two   124

Chapter 13: September-2015-through-June-2017 summary,
Part One   150
My therapy and healing

Chapter 14: September-2015-through-June-2017 summary,
Part Two   160
My body and my training, my eating, my work, my marriage, personality-based life management, and a new interest

Chapter 15: July-2017-through-September-2018 update, Part One   166
Books that helped me, the nutritional component, and the effects of severe mental and physical strain

Chapter 16: July-2017-through-September-2018 update, Part Two   172
An alternative approach to effective therapy

Chapter 17: The October-2018-through-December-2018 revelation   178
How I further calmed the voice in my head

Chapter 18: The 2019 leg   190
More sessions with Ms. C., and the results of further self-inquiry

Chapter 19: The wrap-up   204

Chapter 20: The extras   210

References   219

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